Since I became a youth worker, I have become aware of this tension. Especially as someone who works with young people who can be more of a challenge, so often our attempts to keep behaviour under control is seen as conditioned. This has always bothered me as you are then only really loving a certain type of young person. One who has the capacity to regulate themselves.
I recognise that a lot of those who take the time to read these aren’t youth workers, so I won’t attempt to convince you to be one… although it’s a great job, and we do need a few extra these days! Nonetheless, what I have come to see as I continue in my work is that the question of loving young people can become a question of how we love anyone, regardless of age. For those who get the chance to have any kind of conversation with me, I can’t help but bring up trauma and how we can work closely with those who have experienced trauma to be transformed through community. What I have come to realise more and more, is that what we must offer to allow anyone to feel a sense of safety and belonging is unconditional love. And here is the hot take: we’re not very good at it. Like, at all.
What makes a pseudo-community?
Here is the thing. You can definitely argue that community can exist without unconditional love. But in the context of a church community where the unifying element of the group, which makes the group a community, is the person of Jesus Christ, the attitude should strive to be a reflection of His personhood. You can see this being encouraged and played out in the early church. They devoted themselves to each other and had all things in common, as mentioned in Acts. Then Paul, through his letters to the Church, was that they may be united. He encouraged the church to resolve conflict quickly, reconcile with one another, and to love one another in the way Jesus loved us; in that it is — and continues to be — lavished upon us.
Don Millar gives a challenging reflection on his experience of church culture:
“The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money… I could see it very clearly. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless… With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did.”
John Swinton calls this kind of love ‘property based love’. If I love X, I will get Y in response. This is very transactional, and this love is doomed to fail us. As soon a Y is not able to be offered, the desire for the person ceases. This is not the way of Jesus.
John Swinton also talks of ‘memory based love’ too. In which we love based off of our experience of someone and how they were in the past. Whether through illness, stress, or someone goes through a life changing experience, people change to adapt to their environment. If we are to base our love off of who someone once was, yes they are still receiving love to a degree, but they are being neglected for the person they currently are, and only seen for who they once were. If we love someone through the lens of who someone once was, this love fails us too.
The issue with the above, is that both are conditional ways of loving. And a community that is built on conditions, can bring fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of having to conform in order to fit in, and fear that you might not ‘fit in’. There is a great quote by D. Bosch that I have used before that explains that mission can become an implied superiority. Within a conditional framework of community we can see this at play. If you behave correctly and conform to the culture, then you can be a part of more, and if not then you just won’t be invited. This is a fear driven culture… But doesn’t perfect love drive out all fear?
All the signs of community are there. But the undercurrent of a community can so often come with terms and conditions. If that’s the case, we need to go to the source and change the direction of the stream. We are in a pseudo-community.
Reflections from working alongside young people who display challenging behaviour
The most important thing I have learnt over the near 10 years of youth work is that my approach to behaviour management matters. Behaviour always communicates something. During the many clinical supervisions I have attended over the years, this was drilled into me from my first session. Whether it be how somebody views the world, how they view themselves or how they are feeling in the moment, they are telling us something of that by how they act. If I reject the behaviour or try and force this young person to ‘behave’, then I could be seen to be rejecting the young person and their sense of self. Even if I disagree with their view, I must love them for who they are in order for them to feel safe and trust me as an adult in their life. Regardless of their behaviour, I must find a way to enjoy their company, be excited to see them and include them in what is going on.
The reality is that when it comes to behaviour, we need to appeal to the right motivators for the young person. They need to change because they want to, not because I want them to.
Psychotherapist Daniel Hughes says this:
“All kids, and probably even more so with kids who have to face challenges, thrive the most with unconditional acceptance. Evaluations or judgments about their behaviour, expressed as praise, often make them tense and uncertain. Will they be good enough next time? Are you always judging me? What if I don't do as well — will you disapprove of me? They need expressions of enthusiastic delight and enjoyment — [our] experience of [young people when we] are together, not a cognitive judgment that what [they are] doing is good.”
This leads to an intrinsic motivation…
Intrinsic motivation comes from… loving [young people] a lot, being good models about how to live, and communicating the need to learn to make choices and to live with the consequences of the choices that we make. Intrinsic motivation comes from feeling good inside over the consequences of one's own actions. It needs to be their judgment, not ours. Showing our [young people] how special [they are] and being interested in how [they are] learning and the ways [they are] discovering to manage [their] life goes a lot further in fostering [their] development than making comments such as "good [girl/boy].”
If we were to apply Jesus’ command to “love our neighbour as ourselves”, we can see the truth that how we love each other is a reflection of how we love ourselves. Therefore our mission to young people who display challenging behaviour is to first allow them to love themselves. That means we will be confronted by a projection of their self worth through misbehaviour, but by showing them love regardless - unconditional love - they slowly learn that they are able to be loved by themselves, and therefore they can share that with their neighbour.
I have seen firsthand this acceptance and unconditional love on display in groups that I work with, and it continues to deeply challenge me whenever I see young people love their peers regardless of behaviour. Yes, it comes from them being secure in the knowledge that they are loved themselves, by us as a team and by the wider community, but it is a constant reminder for me to continue in this challenging task of love.
Bringing it all together
Whenever I think of the question “am I loving unconditionally?” I tend to always bring to mind people who are like minded and are a part of my friendship circles. However, I think I fall short of meeting Jesus when I do this. My conviction is that Jesus is within everyone - all of us are made in God’s image - and so I need to reflect on those who aren’t in my circles, those who I find challenging to be around. If I reject someone, then I am also rejecting Jesus and someone who I can learn something of the character of God from. I catch myself every now and then reflecting on times where I have experienced conditional love, and experienced the repercussions of such pseudo-communities. However, I also have to acknowledge that I do the exact same thing. So what is the answer to the question? How can we become better at loving unconditionally?
I think Paul puts it well in his letter to the Philippians:
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Paul puts it plainly. The concept of loving our neighbour and putting them first is a real challenge, and Paul seems to think it will require sacrifice. I can’t help but agree. Loving someone with challenging behaviours, loving those who are different than we are, loving those who have hurt us, is an incredibly difficult journey. But if we seek Jesus, we will find He is there in our neighbour. I can’t help but realise that the rewards are worth it, because the reward happens to be God’s Kingdom breaking in. That’s the goal right?
Unconditional love is being a community that loves regardless - united in and through Christ, so that we may love the way we are first loved; lavished, and never withheld.
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